I can't decide how I feel today. Most of the time I am fine. But then sometimes I get very sad. Sometimes very angry. Sometimes I go days without thinking about it and sometimes it's all I can think about. Last night I treated myself to a massage and freaked out the masseuse when I started to cry. Deep tissue work is painful, whether it's your neck or your heart.
Afterwards I walked to the flower shop to buy myself a little bouquet for my desk. I looked through everything and was just about settled on some yellow sunflowers when a small section of peonies caught my eye. Pink and white. Pink and white, my very favorite. Pink and white, the kind I was going to hold. Pink and white, the kind that for the last year have made me nauseous. Suddenly I wanted to buy the entire bucketful. Next to the pink and white ones I saw a few bunches of deep burgundy wine colored peonies. They were stunning and different than anything I'd ever seen before. So I bought them and carried them home. And smile when I look at them. And that is a good thing.