Friday, August 19, 2011

I leave for LA in 7 hours!!!

It feels like Christmas eve!!!!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Stop being afraid to speak your mind. But consider why & to whom you speak, & consider her journey as well.

I did something today that I've never done before.  I left a comment on someone's blog post that was critical.  I feel badly for being negative to someone, & if I hurt this person's feelings.   This person responded with a post, which surprised me, but not surprisingly, it said exactly what I expected it would say.  She's right, there are plenty of other blogs that I can read & find more inspiring.  I hope she feels better for posting and defending herself. 
It didn't start out as a larger life lesson experience, but the more I thought about it, the larger it became.  For me, I spoke up when I disagreed with something.  It's the first time I've ever done that.  I wasn't unkind, rude, or mean, I just simply stated a disagreement.  The other day a friend & I were discussing the idea of selfishness vs. selflessness.  I realize that for the last 5+ years I have not spoken up for myself, said "no, please pay attention to me", or even disagreed with anyone.  I wasn't searching for someone or something to disagree with.  I didn't much consider sending the comment.  Perhaps it was rash.  Testing boundaries is an important part of finding said boundary.  I despise being the method through which other people are refined, or have a growing experience.  I feel badly that this person served that purpose for me, and I apologize.  I learned 2 important lessons today.  Stop being afraid to speak your mind.  But consider why & to whom you speak, & consider her journey as well.

Boobear, this is for you

Monday, August 15, 2011

So back in April I went to NYC & saw some of my people...

& here is one of them!  Better late posting than never.  :)

Hey look, my picture is sitting up straight!! 

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Who am I?

Take a good look at that little curly brown headed muffin.  That smile, those eyes twinkling, feet dancing, totally free & so happy to be with dancing with her cousin.

Where did that girl go?

When is the last time I was truly free & happy?  Was it before I stopped liking the way I look in pictures, or when I stopped talking in class because I felt like the boys were smarter?  Was it when I felt ashamed of my body?  Was it when I started stifling what I wanted because I wasn't sure how other people would feel about it?

I think maybe I was 9.  When I was 6, 7, 8, 9, I was so happy.  I was smart, loved school, thought I was pretty, thought I could do anything, wanted to do my best, felt confident that I could do a great job, felt confident that I mattered. 

And now?  Where along the way do we get ideas that maybe we aren't pretty enough, definitely not thin enough, that thing I said in class was really lame, & why do I think I matter???  High school?  Maybe.

Wwhat if I said to myself, just take one step.  Let's read a book.  Let's pray to become stronger.  Let's make the choice & decide that I do matter.  In doing so, let's realize that I am the only one who can decide for myself that I do matter. 

If I can do that, what else can I do?

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Sunday, August 7, 2011

It takes courage to grow up & become who you really are

Post title is by E.E. Cummings, by the way.

So here's the thing.  This online diary is taking a turn for the honest.  I've dipped my toe in the pool before, but now maybe it'll sometimes be like teeth-gritting, wince-inducing honest.  Hopefully not all the time, because being honest can be fun & playful & delightful & pretty as often as it can be awkward & scrunchy & twitchy...but honestly, I'm just not willing to be less than honest anymore -  with myself and the universe about what I'm doing, who I am, & who I want to become.  I don't know a lot of things, but I do know that we become our thoughts, & our thoughts become our actions; therefore, thinking & acting non-truthfully does a girl a rather large disservice.  It's like pulling a prank on yourself.  If there's one thing I dislike it's a prank, so therefore, I shouldn't be in the business of pranking myself. 

All I want to do is write my screenplays, find film projects to produce, finish graduate school, & then start my own production company.  Not in New York or LA but here in New Orleans.  Because no one else is doing it.  That's all I want to want to do. 

My mom & dad keep a poem on our refridgerator.  Invictus.   "I am the Master of my destiny & the Captain of my soul."

No one will make my dreams come true but me.  No one else can do the hard work.  No one else can do the time.  No one else can take my pain, feel my triumph, keep me going, demand more - no one can do that for me except me.  After years of struggling to understand this, I've finally found the inside of myself that will rise up, be strong, have courage, make decisions, & walk her own pathway.

Who doesn't love instant gratification?  I sure do.  Ohhhh I love it so much.  Grad school is like total instant gratification...haha it's opposite day.  Grad school is the polar opposite of instant gratification.  I feel like I've been stuck in the same place for-EV-ER.  It has been 2 years.  I have another year left.  It's been a long, hard, road & there is plenty of road to travel still. 

As the farmers say, you reap what you sow.  I am spending my time sowing.  SOWING IS HARD WORK!!!  It's hard!!!!!

Take a deep breath & repeat after me:

It's supposed to be hard.
If it weren't hard, everyone would do it.
The HARD is what makes it great.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Royal moments

{Pictures taken from all over}

For the amazing world event known as The Wedding of the Century, Gigi & I decided that we must celebrate the moment in style.  Since I was going to be in New York for work, I found a ticket that allowed me to stay through the weekend (& was cheaper!) & invited my mom to join me in the city for the night.  I decided that we had to swank it up for this night so I booked us a room at the Waldorf Astoria.  Thank you, Hilton rewards point!!  The room was absolutely scrumptious.  Two giant fluffy, feathery queen beds, pink & blue paisley carpet, a view of St. Patrick's Cathedral, a deep sunken bathtub, big fluffy bathrobes...oh I could go on & on.  It was seriously amazing. 

More pictures to come, if I ever get them loaded.  Again, no idea why I can't rotate these pictures appropriately. 

My amethyst fascinator is peeking out the top of the photos!

I have to say, I seriously was looking forward to this day more than I do my own {future} wedding day. To me, this is real-life proof-positive in the pudding that sometimes, not often, but sometimes, fairy tales can come true. In my heart of hearts, where it is still soft & un-cynical, are my hopes that the wildest of dreams can come true, that true love can conquer all, & that I can find the courage to be who I want to be.

Friday, August 5, 2011

This will be a lovely, lovely city summer weekend.

After my outstanding week in San Francisco & Napa, this has been one of those weeks, with a million things to do, eyes full of sandpaper, exams to be studied for & aced & somehow I made it through.  I'm currently in the air (love the online wifi!) on my way to NYC to soak in a few days of city glitter with friends.  I have a new Lilly dress for the occasion!  These last few weeks of summer are always wistful & dreamy, although to be fair, it'll feel like summer in the South until well into October, so perhaps I should just keep scooting along in my sunshine haze with house beautiful DIY projects, school fun to prep for, & always looking for extra ways to do well at work.