So here's the thing. This online diary is taking a turn for the honest. I've dipped my toe in the pool before, but now maybe it'll sometimes be like teeth-gritting, wince-inducing honest. Hopefully not all the time, because being honest can be fun & playful & delightful & pretty as often as it can be awkward & scrunchy & twitchy...but honestly, I'm just not willing to be less than honest anymore - with myself and the universe about what I'm doing, who I am, & who I want to become. I don't know a lot of things, but I do know that we become our thoughts, & our thoughts become our actions; therefore, thinking & acting non-truthfully does a girl a rather large disservice. It's like pulling a prank on yourself. If there's one thing I dislike it's a prank, so therefore, I shouldn't be in the business of pranking myself.
All I want to do is write my screenplays, find film projects to produce, finish graduate school, & then start my own production company. Not in New York or LA but here in New Orleans. Because no one else is doing it. That's all I want to want to do.
My mom & dad keep a poem on our refridgerator. Invictus. "I am the Master of my destiny & the Captain of my soul."
No one will make my dreams come true but me. No one else can do the hard work. No one else can do the time. No one else can take my pain, feel my triumph, keep me going, demand more - no one can do that for me except me. After years of struggling to understand this, I've finally found the inside of myself that will rise up, be strong, have courage, make decisions, & walk her own pathway.
Who doesn't love instant gratification? I sure do. Ohhhh I love it so much. Grad school is like total instant gratification...haha it's opposite day. Grad school is the polar opposite of instant gratification. I feel like I've been stuck in the same place for-EV-ER. It has been 2 years. I have another year left. It's been a long, hard, road & there is plenty of road to travel still.
As the farmers say, you reap what you sow. I am spending my time sowing. SOWING IS HARD WORK!!! It's hard!!!!!
Take a deep breath & repeat after me:
It's supposed to be hard.
If it weren't hard, everyone would do it.
The HARD is what makes it great.