Thoughts

Do you ever wonder who reads your blog?  Do you ever wonder if anyone reads your blog?  Do you ever wonder why you blog?  Typically, I don't. 

Except when I want to write a certain something because I'm feeling a certain way, or maybe want to share a certain something, and then I stop to think, hmmm what if so-and-so {enter any name here} reads this?  What will they think?  Will they think I'm silly?  Narcississtic?  Stupid?  Smart?  And then I think, well, maybe Dr. Seuss had it right all along:  be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.  Except that it's hard to do, turns out.  If you asked me, I would tell you that generally speaking, it doesn't really matter to me what people think of me.  Except in reality, that's not true.  I greatly care about how I am perceived by my team at work, I get embarassed when I find out someone in one of my classes thought I said something stupid, and on and on and on.  When did I give away my power to be myself?  When did I stop being myself and start trying to be the person I think the other person thinks they want me to be?  I don't have an answer.

Oprah told me {and millions of you too} that until we face our true desires and passions in life, we won't ever have a chance to become who we are supposed to become.  But what if you don't know what your true desires and passions are?  I feel so many things bubbling up inside me that want to be explored and dreams I want to pursue but how do you make your dream-catching your reality?  Because the real reality is - we all need to work, go to school, cook dinner, plant the garden, do the laundry, go to the gym, get up on time {I rarely succeed at this}, and so on.  But if that's all you do and there is no room for imagination, passion, dreaming - no room to grow - you start to feel blah.  And boring.  Who wants to be friends with that girl?  Not me.

I don't have an answer.  Yet. 

And if this is all too personal and weird and all that, don't read it.  I've finally realized that having thoughts & dreams & putting them out there - even at the risk of judgement & ridicule - is a MILLION times better than having no dreams.  Because this belongs to me.  I need to live my life for myself.  So, agree, disagree, read, don't read, doesn't bother me either way.  And finally feeling this way?  That's a damn good thing.